Why I'll Never Meet Anyone At The Gym

Gym dating: the easiest thing in the world. You just walk up to guy at the bench and say, "Hey, I need help doing crunches (whilst seductively pushing my chest forward). Would you help me?" He drops his weights and before you can say, 'Steroids', you two are exchanging mouldy leftovers in the back-seat of his car. But I digress.

This idea is absolutely ridiculous! I mean, how do people manage to attract anyone at the gym when your mouth is stretched open like a guppy and there's sweat leaking into every crevice of your body? How do people manage to look so alluring in one layer of ill-fitting spandex? I'm usually buried under three: an extra bra, a tank top that restricts any movement of my torso and a baggy t-shirt that perfectly complements my square figure. I look more like one of those before pictures you see on Herbex commercials than a sensuous, fit sexpot.

And I don't mean meeting someone as in meeting a potential suitor. I mean meeting people in general. How do you make friends at a gym without appearing to be a total creep that breathes on people whilst they do lunges? Mind you, lots of the women I see appear to be prepared for the hunt at gym. They come in all gussied up: full hair (horsehair weave), Kim Kardashian eyelashes, red lipstick, six-inch heels, jewellery and about ten layers of make up plastered onto their  blemish-free visages. Then they do the full runway walk down to the changing rooms in tight pencil skirts, swaying their hips like a dog in heat. 

Now to the point of this post: why I will never meet anyone at the gym.

1. I am probably the most awkward individual ever and as such, I would erupt into a fit of giggles if anyone attractive approached me. In fact, I'd probably be so overcome by the shock that someone admires the way sweat coats my five-head, that I would collapse on the spot.
2. I have no clue how to flirt. At all. The closest I've come to flirting is reading pick-lines off of 9GAG. And even those were shared amongst friends, who gave uncomfortable glances and promptly deactivated their Facebook.
3. For some reason, I have a penchant for making eye contact with complete strangers(then promptly holding that contact until my eyes water).
4.  I flail my arms uselessly on the machines, so I probably resemble a schizophrenic with epilepsy.
5. The idea of making out over the weights (the classic scene) is in appealing. Who wants to kiss some sweaty meat-head anyway?
6. My general anti-social behaviour deters many people from attempting to approach me. 
7. I mean, what else would we talk about? What weights are the best? Where to get the best protein shakes? Can I buy your next workout DVD?

-"Let's get physical."