People are places are things

I'm never fond of writing titles for posts before I actually write them. I feel Like it takes away from the general idea of the post and I end up getting writer's block because I feel like the title isn't an accurate enough decision if what I wanted to write. 

I'm currently listening to albums online to decide whether or not to torrent it. Currently I've downloaded FKA Twigs, Neutral Milk Hotel, Wild Nocturne, Kelela, SZA ad several BIRP! albums over the past weekend. 

I fell incomplete and inadequate. Like the world doesn't quite understand the eruption of emotions occurring inside of me. I feel like my friends feel like in pushing them away and the truth is that I might be doing that on purpose. Like a child who has grown tired of their old toys, I have grown tired of the tedious interludes of life. I can never seem to compare to other people, especially my friends. Their achievements far outshine my own and I'm sick of it. 

I want to feel like I'm an integral part of someone's life. Everyone seems to be capable of living without me and I just want to feel special. I suppose that that's rather selfish isn't it? I mean, you can't expect someone to feel like you're their world and expect those sentiments to be reciprocated across the board. 

I crave a physical connection with someone. Particularly an emotional connection that transcends from the emotional to the physical, like a metaphysical hand reaching out of their soul and touching yours.

Could it be possible that I'm growing tired of my friends? I strive to make new friends of a higher social standard to feed my life's ambition of feeling like I can be somebody. And to be somebody I have to turn my back on the people who have groomed me into the person that I am today. I suppose it is rather selfish but I see it as sparing them from pain. 

I mean, we're all going to go our separate ways at a later stage and it seems inevitable that our friendship shall whither away like the flowers at my grandmother's grave. As we speak, I am being shunned by my peers and I feel downright shitty about it. 

I mean, people need places to go and just be alone. To reflect on the day's happenings and mishaps. To register the embarrassments made in front of people who we used to hold dearly, our chests, heaving as they glanced in our directions. We need somewhere to go when we want to shun out our peers in a way that is noticeable enough to attract the attention of our friends so that they can comfort us and give us attention. 

People need other people to pay attention to us. We need them to comfort us and to hold us when we cry. We need them to talk to us about stuff that distracts us from our inner turmoil. As we speak, I'm listening to two girls gush over boys and their strategies of how to get dates for Leavers'.

I feel rather out of place. Like the centre piece of a jigsaw puzzle discarded under the bed from a Family Game Night many nights ago. I feel like no matter how many times I read, new words will never sink in. Everyone else's vocabulary seems to be improving and morphing into some fascinating new phenomenon that only hipsters would understand. 

I suppose that nobody understands me. And nobody ever will.