(On another note, please go and enlighten yourselves and read my friend Mzwai's amazing short story http://hellopoetry.com/poem/852957/an-open-letter-xanax/ :) )
OK, so I'm reading The Fault In Our Stars and I've reached that part where she's looking up Caroline Mathers and reading about how strong she was in her battle against cancer and how much of a good person she was. It got me thinking: are all people who battle against cancer changed in some way? If they survive, do they dedicate their lives to helping others? Are they nicer to their friends? Are they more appreciative of what they have?
Is it possible to live with a disease that is almost always fatal, and still be a bitch to the world? I've often wondered why people get cancer. I've heard that its either caused by external factors or by your cells randomly splitting and mutating. In other words, fate would've dealt a very bad hand in your favour. So it's inevitable then. No matter how healthy you are, your cells may decide to mutate one day and you can develop the worst case of cancer and die. We all have the potential to have cancer, it's just that most often than not, it's the strongest of us who get it first.
I mean, I know lots of people in my year who smoke and drink regularly and they seem pretty healthy, but my best friend Aabilwe, who was slightly overweight but still healthy, ended up losing her short battle with stomach cancer rather abruptly. For a short time after that I was filled with resentment, peering around at all my peers who smoked regularly, wondering why Fate decided to spare their lives and slaughtered an innocent. A cruel thought, but grief clouds one's judgement.
I felt the same way when another friend of mine was diagnosed with brain cancer. He fell into a slight depression that was infused with melancholic reminders that he may die tomorrow. It annoyed me when he seemed so pleasant at times then unhappy at others. I know that's unfair but that's how I felt. I expected him to be like me and be completely negative all the time and ruin everyone's day with reminders of how i might be dead tomorrow. Of course, he's fine now but the thought that those would've been his last days is rather chilling. I'm not sure if he told the school but I felt special knowing that the case of his health was confined to just his intimate group of friends. It felt personal: intimate, in fact.
Before my thoughts meander around the bend, I just wanted to reflect on the purpose of this post. I know one person who dogs on TFIOS and I don't blame her. If a person has been diagnosed with cancer, do they really go through an entire life-changing personal reawakening; or do they resent their current situation and proceed to push everyone away so that nobody gets hurt when they die?
If you had cancer, would you learn to appreciate things more or would you grow bitter and angry at the world. It's hard to say really. We can't predict these things. Would a life-threatening experience have the same effect on every person in the world? That's doubtful. There's always going to be those people who can't see behind all the shit and proceed to complain about the shit, instead of actually doing something about it.
Death doesn't always change people in a positive way, it can always change them negatively. After Aabi's death, I learnt to appreciate things more. I also became a bit more spiritually inclined (as pretentious as that may sound) and began to read more. I just wish she were around to experience this new change with me. However, I'm also the saddest that I have ever been in my life. I'm more negative and my remaining friends think I have depression (a thought, which in itself is rather depressing).
-"I preach optimism but can't actually follow it."
(About my friend who survived cancer, he's doing pretty well. He's still the same person I guess. Nothing much about him has changed and we don't talk about the cancer anymore, at least, not in front of him. We hang out a bit more than we used to but I know he just tolerates my presence. Most of my friends do anyway.)
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