Here I am, sitting in the library with 3 boys who are also up for the MaP US scholarship. I have hardly spoken to these people in the past 5 years(save for Tawanda who is actually my friend) but now I feel as if we are forced to interact with each other. (Mr Taylor says that we have to become a family. Yeah, don't force things which are unlikely to happen).
Everyone is poring over SAT books and discussing their futures. But here I am, typing this message and not having any clue as to what I'm going to do in future. I mean, what hope is there for someone like me, who's rubbish at Maths and even worse at the Sciences. I currently have an ACT book open on the 3rd page and I still have no clue what any of these words mean. I have to start thinking of what AP classes to take, what subjects to devote more time to in regards to my future career. I also have to consider what life will be like living with a complete stranger in the bed next to me. I need to contemplate how to arrange my study times and "me times" so that I can avoid people as much as possible. But I also need to consider how to make friends who are somewhat sane but not complete snobs who require a "token Black/Exotic African".
Grappling with feelings of inadequacy are on my to do list of things to conquer. Overcoming my impending diagnosis of depression and Social Anxiety Disorder is going to be a lot harder to overcome. How will I be able to cope in "the Real world" with all these grown up things like filling in bank details and taking out a loan? I swear that if I have to stand in line at a bank and reach the front, I'll cry. Better yet, I might just break out into a sweat and collapse on the spot. What's going to happen when I have to find a job and shit? How am I going to apply my awkward personality to something that requires brains-which I don't possess- and a strong business acumen.
I feel as if I'm just letting everyone down. It's not that I'm not appreciative of this opportunity to go study overseas, it's just...ugh. It's a strange mixture of both fear and excitement (and relief). I am expected to know what I want to be at this point. I'm expected to understand the ins-and-outs of the American education system or the system of the country that I wish to study in.
I'm hoping that this stay overseas will better me as a person and all that other corny shit. I'm also hoping that it will help me figure out what I intend on studying. Here's to hoping that I don't subsequently kill myself and have my decaying, drug-filled corpse shipped back off to Zimbabwe.
-"Let's look at this from my perspective: I hate you."
