The truth about Form 5

Well, it seems that it's time for the obligatory 'Freaky Friday'. The time when we Form 5s have a free pass to terrorise the younger masses and publicly shame ourselves. As usual, I won't be participating in the festivities (BECAUSE REASONS), and I'll be deemed a spoilsport by my peers. *internal groan* I can't seem to please these people.

In all honesty, I already know how this day is going to go. The event is going to be dominated by the popular, talented kids who think they're talented. There's actually not many people who can sing in our year, which is really sad. I mean, we'll obviously be dominated by this rap group thing it whatever called Team BDub who'll most likely rap and make me feel uncomfortable and or embarrassed for my generation.

It may be my inability to conform to society's expectations for people like me. I'm supposedly supposed to fit into the archetype of the stereotypical silent weirdo who doesn't have many friends because she's a social outcast, therefore lacking the basic social abilities to survive. The programmer will be as follows: dancing, dancing, dirty dancing, rapping, irrelevant videos, more dancing and likely even more dancing. Having already witnessed some of the stuff that creeps out from the recesses of our minds, I'm actually rather terrified.

The truth is that our year is separated into cliques. We've all been assigned these cliques from Form 1 and even new students soon adjust to the agenda. We all know our place but occasionally different social groups do interact. Like animals in the wild, we occasionally cross paths and share territories but that's about it. The problem is that half of our year hates/dislikes the other half. It's really quite depressing. Again, I'm able to observe this from an outsider's view.

We have the Popular crew which in itself is divided into various subsets. We have the aforementioned Team BDub, who I really don't understand. A group of make individuals who engage in various activities, mainly rapping, music and occasionally art. They even have their own shirts. I'm not sure whether to interpret this as a form of arrogance but I for one would love to have my own shirt.

We have the popular girls who are constant presences in social media(particularly Instagram and Snapchat). They also tend to be overly dramatic and extremely beautiful. They work in conjunction with the popular boys and serve to make my adolescence an awkward and uncomfortable life stage. Then we have that odd group of popular individuals who attempt to transcend the social norms and be more...deep. In other words, they go on about The Fault in Our Stars; blabber about their supposed intrinsic yet extremely superficial view of the world and claim that The Weeknd is the best thing to come to our virgin ears.

Then there's my group of friends, ranging from awkward stereotyped nerds who surprisingly are rather popular, and insecure girls with good tastes in music. Needless to say, with these groups of individuals all on stage there'll never be a dull moment.

-"That pussy kill be so vicious."

People are places are things

I'm never fond of writing titles for posts before I actually write them. I feel Like it takes away from the general idea of the post and I end up getting writer's block because I feel like the title isn't an accurate enough decision if what I wanted to write. 

I'm currently listening to albums online to decide whether or not to torrent it. Currently I've downloaded FKA Twigs, Neutral Milk Hotel, Wild Nocturne, Kelela, SZA ad several BIRP! albums over the past weekend. 

I fell incomplete and inadequate. Like the world doesn't quite understand the eruption of emotions occurring inside of me. I feel like my friends feel like in pushing them away and the truth is that I might be doing that on purpose. Like a child who has grown tired of their old toys, I have grown tired of the tedious interludes of life. I can never seem to compare to other people, especially my friends. Their achievements far outshine my own and I'm sick of it. 

I want to feel like I'm an integral part of someone's life. Everyone seems to be capable of living without me and I just want to feel special. I suppose that that's rather selfish isn't it? I mean, you can't expect someone to feel like you're their world and expect those sentiments to be reciprocated across the board. 

I crave a physical connection with someone. Particularly an emotional connection that transcends from the emotional to the physical, like a metaphysical hand reaching out of their soul and touching yours.

Could it be possible that I'm growing tired of my friends? I strive to make new friends of a higher social standard to feed my life's ambition of feeling like I can be somebody. And to be somebody I have to turn my back on the people who have groomed me into the person that I am today. I suppose it is rather selfish but I see it as sparing them from pain. 

I mean, we're all going to go our separate ways at a later stage and it seems inevitable that our friendship shall whither away like the flowers at my grandmother's grave. As we speak, I am being shunned by my peers and I feel downright shitty about it. 

I mean, people need places to go and just be alone. To reflect on the day's happenings and mishaps. To register the embarrassments made in front of people who we used to hold dearly, our chests, heaving as they glanced in our directions. We need somewhere to go when we want to shun out our peers in a way that is noticeable enough to attract the attention of our friends so that they can comfort us and give us attention. 

People need other people to pay attention to us. We need them to comfort us and to hold us when we cry. We need them to talk to us about stuff that distracts us from our inner turmoil. As we speak, I'm listening to two girls gush over boys and their strategies of how to get dates for Leavers'.

I feel rather out of place. Like the centre piece of a jigsaw puzzle discarded under the bed from a Family Game Night many nights ago. I feel like no matter how many times I read, new words will never sink in. Everyone else's vocabulary seems to be improving and morphing into some fascinating new phenomenon that only hipsters would understand. 

I suppose that nobody understands me. And nobody ever will.