Existential Crisis

I don't know how to breath any more. I feel inadequate. Whenever I hang out with my friends I always stand awkwardly to the side whilst everyone else socialises. I usually force myself to feel this way. I believe that by distancing myself from the crowd, I am indeed individualising myself: therefore adding another degree to my personality. Makes sense? No? OK, I guess I have to hold your hand through this...

I started reading a new book the other day. It's rather thick(477 pages to be exact, which isn't very long but the print is on the small side), and initially when I glanced at it, I thought the task rather daunting. I've found myself facing the same issue at the start of every book: the reluctance to begin what I know I can't finish. I didn't have the same issue when I started reading The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid, and finished it in 3 days. It was rather slow in the book, but after the collapse of the Twin Towers, I found myself boiling a cup of green tea and sipping it occasionally as I concentrated and the string of words spread on the pages. When I finished it, I felt empty. Like a piece of my soul had been devoured. That night, I dreamt of it. I dreamt of the events that unfolded in the book, and how I grew to slightly dislike America even more; resolving to carry my chalice filled with Southern African heritage proudly if I were to ever go overseas for uni. 

After stewing over that strange ending for a while and trying to decipher whose side Changez was really on, I decided to take on the task of reading Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche. I initially picked it up and a copy of Half of a Yellow Sun with the same starry-eyed gaze I give to other books that are made into movies. I was already swallowed into the bustling world of Philadelphia and Lagos and soon forgot all about how thick the book is and how I should probably get started studying for finals. Once I had reached my goal or reading 100 pages in one day, I shut the book lovingly and reflected on the impact that Chimamanda's words had had on me. It soon dawned on me that at this rate, I might actually finish this book in less than a week and that saddened me. 

You see, this book is so amazing that I don't want to keep it to myself. Sometimes, when I read a book that I greatly enjoy, I don't feel like sharing it. I want it to remain obscure so that no one else can come between the bond that the writer and I share. I mean, it's our  special connection and this book brought me through the strenuous tentacles of boredom that were strapped around me during this first week of holiday. However, it's an entirely different story with Americanah. I want to find someone, anyone, who will share the same burning love that I feel for these characters. I want to carry the book to class with me next term and hold it close to my bosom as I walk around campus. It will certainly be a great conversation starter. People will stare apprehensively at its bulking mass and ask me how far I am, at which point I will reply; "Ah., but my dear friend, I have already finished it!" (Obviously I won't be as animated. I lack personality and possess the social skills of a manatee.) Then I will add the fact that carrying this book around makes me feel more secure. 

It comforts me, you know, having a book handy in your bag. Well, any reading material really. Just sticking my hand into the bag and feeling that reassuring lukewarm temperature of the worn pages and the cool cover of the book brings me immense pleasure. I believe that you can tell a lot about a person from the types of books they read. People who don't read, in my opinion, are not open-minded enough. Reading allows you to enter the world of the author for as long as you desire. You meet these characters and share in their life's story; laugh with them; cry with them; fall in love with them. 

If you haven't caught onto what I'm trying to say, then I suggest that you invest in some therapy. Seriously, you clearly don't understand words or people. *Sigh* Basically, I don't want to finish reading Americanah. I want to savour the moment when I turn the yellowing pages of that book and inhale the subtle smell of age. It's funny right? How books always smell like age. There's no way to describe their smell. Magazines smell like carrots and books smell like...well, books.

              -"Knowledge is power"

Food for thought

I am currently writing this at 11.08 pm Central African time. I basically have a few thoughts I'd like to express.

It seems that nowadays, many of us have come into wealth, either by choice or by luck. We chose to show off this wealth through worldly possessions that can be flaunted in front of the poorer folk. Now I'm not too sure about you guys, but as a Christian, I have been taught to not become too attached to my possessions here on Earth, as one day we will all be called to Judgement and sent to Heaven...or Hell. As is the case, our time here on Earth is short, and we have to be prepared to leave behind all of our possessions. However, no matter how many of us good folk repeat this little thought to ourselves, it simply never comes through in practice. We see ourselves growing more and more dependent on our luxuries and mistake them for necessities. We are going more and more against the very words that we have been taught and misinterpret our teachings.

Now I'm not the most religious person on Earth, and I'm not too sure if any of you out there feel the same way; but I just felt I needed to point out what I see is growing more apparent in this world. I am also the first to admit that I practically cried when I lost my iPod so obviously this rule applies to myself as well. 

Basically, we as humans are living hypocrites. Perhaps because if the fact that I am pouring out a Biblical teaching in this context then I am saying that we as Christians are hypocrites. There's a ton of other stuff that we are hypocritical about but that's for another post, another day. All I'm saying is, is that maybe we should take a step back and ask ourselves, "Are we really staying true to our teachings? Do I understand that the world is going to end and I shouldn't get too comfortable?"

However, that's not to say that you should go out and sell all your clothes and shit just cos the world is ending. Hmm, where have we heard that story before....

I dunno. You be the judge of this rather eclectic post.

           -      "Namaste."