Losing My Religion

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel really bad. I mean, I'm conflicted; internally, like Brutus. The cause of my conflict? My religion.

There comes a time in many children's lives when they question their religion. It may start in the tender stages of development, wherein their questions will be quietly dismissed with phrases such as: "He's there. Just know that." "It just is, sweetie." "Because." etc

Then you reach that stage where you're a preteen so you're not quite a teen but no longer a child. Like when you're 12. Then you're a semi-rebellious teen (or passive aggressive, like me) and you start to outwardly question certain things in fits of rage. Now, in my case, (as is the case of a close friend of mine), I tend to bottle up these thoughts and instead choose to sit there quietly in church. Not quite believing, but not quite disbelieving either. 

You see my dilemma? Everyday I pray before I go to bed; pray before I eat and pray for people in need and my friends. I receive conflicting ideologies from my peers, who all hail from different religious backgrounds, if any. I think I'm in that situation that many teens are in: we only belong to a certain religion because our parents do e.g. I'm Hindu by default. 

Now, I'm only saying this from my personal experiences and observations. I do believe that there is a divine power that reigns over us all but I can't outwardly attest to how religious I am. I'm literally the least religious person out of all the people in my group of friends who attest to a religion. I suppose it would break our parents' hearts if we claimed no belief system other than the basic morals of humanity. 

When I adopt my children from foreign lands, I will allow them the basic right of choosing their religion.

I guess that maybe I'm not meant to be part of any religious movement. Even if were Muslim I wouldn't be able to cope with learning an entire holy book and praying five times a day. I can barely cope with the night-time prayer sessions with my grandfather and the prayer meetings we had when I was child. Some people are just meant to exist without any sort of religious schedule. I fear I may be one of them. As a child, I prayed for a miracle like how I read in the Bible about that guy who left the fleece out on the lawn and it remained dry whilst the surrounding grass was wet. Needless to say, my school bag never magically appeared on the bench where I wished for it to be.

At times I feel really guilty because I glorify Islam and its practitioners- romanticising other religions greatly. I mean, if I can romanticise another religion and not find faults in it ethics, then why shouldn't I do the same for my own religion?

Maybe someday I'll wake up and fully embrace and understand my religion. For now I shall just play the role of observer, watching from the outside looking in. Someone once said that fear is the fuel that drives religion. I wonder if he was right...

              -"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight: losing my religion." 

Bad Religion

She was scared.

She was alone.

As she knelt down, elbows resting on the edge of the bed, hands clasped and head bowed in prayer

Her lips quivered as she whispered her routine prayers

She was terrified

Petrified.

But how could she be?

This was her life wasn't it?

Funny, isn't it

When people stay together out of habit

Not out of love, but

Simply because you couldn't possibly picture yourself with someone else

Anyone else

The thought of being alone,

The thought of being put out of your daily routine,

Could terrify most into living a life on unhappiness.

So she stayed there

Kneeling,

As was her routine

It was dictated to her

Drummed into her skull throughout the course of her life,

"If you convert, He won't love you anymore."

"If you refuse to believe, you will be punished for your sins. Bad things will happen to you and your loved ones until you learn your lesson and repent."

"If you question Him, then you are just asking for trouble."

So this was how she would have to function

For the rest of her life

She would live in fear

She knew that this wasn't the right way to think

Not the right way to live

Not the right way to be.

She was taught the He was supposed to save her

That He would keep her safe in all of her endeavors

That He would protect her from all the evil in this world

But she was also taught to fear Him

To fear Him above anything else

Or else she would go to Hell

To respect Him above anyone else

Or else she would go to Hell

To kindly follow all His teachings

Even the ones he didn't truly understand or believe

Or else she would go to Hell

She loved Him

As a child,

He believed that He loved her too

But it was too much now

She was taught to fear

But if she questioned

She would be dead.

           -"If it brings me to my knees, then      it's a bad religion."

What if it all was a lie?

Imagine if all that we were taught was a lie? That's what I wonder almost every odd day. Sometimes I worry that maybe this religion that I believe in is not real.

What if we all die right now, or sooner than we expected. Would we really be prepared for what's on the other side? I'm not sure if I'm ready to face an eternity of being an entity...to be a faceless creature in Heaven for ever and ever and ever. Would I really be ready to face God on judgment day? Would I really be prepared to answer all of his questions, knowing that he has been watching my every move all this time? The thing is, he knows what goes on in my mind and no matter how big of a clean image I put up, he still knows my deepest thoughts. I may smile at a person and be outwardly friendly, but what's to stop me of thinking ill of them?

I received some bad news recently. Another close friend of mine has...cancer. It's really quite disheartening. As soon as they told me, my heart dropped and the world seemed to spin on its own axis. I told my mum and had a right old cry about it. I even went as far as to blame God for all this. I mean, why the hell would he do this to me again?! I felt sorry for my friend, for myself and most of all: angry at God. I mean, does He enjoy making us suffer? Does he get his kicks out of it?! 

Needless to say, I haven't picked up a Bible ever since. 

All I'm saying is, imagine if all those crazy Scientologists and Atheists were right? I mean, people created religion in order to explain the unexplainable. People feel the need to rely on some higher entity in order to answer te questions that they don't understand.

I wonder if the world would be a safer place without religion.

   - "Now I'm a walking contradiction"

Food for thought

I am currently writing this at 11.08 pm Central African time. I basically have a few thoughts I'd like to express.

It seems that nowadays, many of us have come into wealth, either by choice or by luck. We chose to show off this wealth through worldly possessions that can be flaunted in front of the poorer folk. Now I'm not too sure about you guys, but as a Christian, I have been taught to not become too attached to my possessions here on Earth, as one day we will all be called to Judgement and sent to Heaven...or Hell. As is the case, our time here on Earth is short, and we have to be prepared to leave behind all of our possessions. However, no matter how many of us good folk repeat this little thought to ourselves, it simply never comes through in practice. We see ourselves growing more and more dependent on our luxuries and mistake them for necessities. We are going more and more against the very words that we have been taught and misinterpret our teachings.

Now I'm not the most religious person on Earth, and I'm not too sure if any of you out there feel the same way; but I just felt I needed to point out what I see is growing more apparent in this world. I am also the first to admit that I practically cried when I lost my iPod so obviously this rule applies to myself as well. 

Basically, we as humans are living hypocrites. Perhaps because if the fact that I am pouring out a Biblical teaching in this context then I am saying that we as Christians are hypocrites. There's a ton of other stuff that we are hypocritical about but that's for another post, another day. All I'm saying is, is that maybe we should take a step back and ask ourselves, "Are we really staying true to our teachings? Do I understand that the world is going to end and I shouldn't get too comfortable?"

However, that's not to say that you should go out and sell all your clothes and shit just cos the world is ending. Hmm, where have we heard that story before....

I dunno. You be the judge of this rather eclectic post.

           -      "Namaste."